


the long and short of it

by VastDerp



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bad Jokes, Other, disgusting, do not read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-16
Updated: 2011-06-16
Packaged: 2017-10-20 11:21:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/212243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VastDerp/pseuds/VastDerp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Most obscene thing I've ever written.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the long and short of it

"What's this one?" John asks, and slides a black case from the pile at Karkat's feet.

"No way, asshole, you have enough trouble with our romantic comedies."

"But what is it? Oh my god, it's porn! You have troll porno, Karkat! That's why it hasn't got any cover art!"

"No, dipfuck, it's a classic film." Karkat glowers. "You wouldn't understand it. Pick something else."

"Really? What's it called?"

Karkat rolls his jack-o-lantern eyes and begins to recite from memory: " _In Which A Lusus And A Mother Grub Drag Three Juvenile Trolls, A Freshly Hatched Wriggler, And A Small Annoying Barkbeast Into The Throne Room Of Her Imperious Condescension For The Purposes Of Entertainment..._ ' And so on. Just put it back, retard human. I want to watch something ashen tonight."

"C'mon," John smiles and gives Karkat an elbow to the ribs. "C'mon Karkat, what's the rest? You guys and your movie titles are hilarious. I bet you have the whole thing memorized."

Karkat shoves the human back onto his side of the couch and looks at the ceiling, taking a deep breath. "Of course I do, idiot, but the intricacy would be wasted on your two-dimensional ass even if we watched it through, much less if I just told you the fucking title."

John covers the black case so Karkat can't read the tiny writing that covers the front even if he needed to (which he doesn't, John is right about that) and waits, expectant and giddy after a day of being called awesome alien names and hyper from way too much lima bean Troll Faygo. "No peeking. C'mon."

Karkat sighs, and decides to prove to this hick of an Earth-grub once and for all that he is in fact the master, no, the _king_ of Alternian Cinema.

"It goes like this: ' _In Which A Lusus And A Mother Grub Escort Three Juvenile Trolls, A Freshly Hatched Wriggler, And A Small Annoying Barkbeast Into The Throne Room Of Her Imperious Condescension For The Purposes Of Entertainment, At Which Point The Lusus And The Mother Grub Immediately Fall Into A Concupiscient Rutting Frenzy Over A Pair Of Well-Polished Pails, Crushing Two Of The Juvenile Trolls Beneath Their Bodies So That Maroon And Teal Splatters Cover The Floor, While The Surviving Juvenile Rubs Its Hands In The Blood From Each Corpse And Paints The Forbidden Sym69l On The Carapace Of The Mother Grub, Who Shudders As She Births A Torrent Of Translucent Egg Capsules Right Into The Flushed Pail, And The Lusus Stomps The Eggs And The Squirming Foetal Nymph Wrigglers Within Into Mush, Scoops The Mush Into The Caliginous Pail, And Uses The Resulting Mix Of Genetic Material And Egg Fluids--'"_

("Dude, wait, stop, what the _fuck--"_ John has been squawking for at least half of the title, but Karkat overrides him with a snarl and merely raises his voice to continue the recital.)

 _" '--To Drown The Wriggler, At Which Point He Takes The Limp Body And Forces It High Into The Mother Grub's Trembling Ovipositor Canal, Where It Bursts From The Muscular Pressure Within, At Which Point Magenta Blood Sprays From The Orifice And Fills The Caliginous Pail To Overflowing As Everyone In The Throne Room Realizes At The Same Time That The Wriggler Would Have Been In Line For The Throne Had It Survived, But Her Imperious Condescension Only Laughs From Her Seat And Urges The Lovers On, Until At Last The Mother Grub Begins To Devour The Lusus Even As Their Tentacles Writhe And Tangle In The Blood And Slime--'"_

("Jesus FUCK, Karkat--")

 _" '--The Mother Grub Chokes On The Membrane Of The Second Set Of Leathery Lusus Wings and Dies Seizing On The Floor, But Not Before Her Final Thrash Of Passionate Agony Propels The Surviving Juvenile Troll Into The Wall, Where It Obtains A Nosebleed Which Reveals Its Blood Color To Be A Hideous Mutation. Story Finishes With A Long Scene Of Her Imperious Condescension Filling Her Own Caliginous Pail With The Assistance Of The Small Annoying Barkbeast And The Entire Court While The Screaming Mutant Is Ritualistically Flayed Before Her Throne."_

John merely sits, horrified into silence. After long minutes, Karkat gives him a bitchy look that says "I told you you wouldn't get it, fuckass." This seems to break the spell.

"Karkat..." John tries to say, finally. His voice cracks in a pubescent squeak of horror "What the _fuck,_ Karkat."

"Suck my bulge, you uncultured piece of shit. You're looking at one of the finest pieces in the genre. One of like seven films of the past hundred years to be granted a shortened title by _Royal fucking decree."_

"I can't wait to hear the short version," John says, and immediately regrets it. He holds the black case gingerly with two fingers and fully intends to fling it away, but before he can, Karkat swoops forward to snatch the DVD from John's trembling hand and place it lovingly back on the pile.

"We call it 'The Aristocrats.'"

**Author's Note:**

> Ba-dum-tschhh.


End file.
